he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
