they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Randomize
