apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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