You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Randomize
