When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
