I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
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