I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
