Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
