I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
