He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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