Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Randomize
