So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
