you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
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Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
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Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
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