Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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