My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
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