My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
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