At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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