Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Randomize
