My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize