1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
