ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
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