I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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