Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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