I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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