am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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