she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
