Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
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