I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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