Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
