Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
She bit a glass in half.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
