Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
