your thong is hanging out like whoa
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
