Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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