There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
