Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Randomize
