she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
