Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Randomize
