No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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