I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
