Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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