No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Drunk is not a location!
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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