please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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