Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Randomize
