Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
