Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
