you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Randomize
