i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Every concussion has its silver lining
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Randomize
