I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Randomize
