You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
