Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
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Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
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Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
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