I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Randomize
