What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
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She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
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A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
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