this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
