hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
