come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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