at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
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