He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
